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never so dear

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(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

[25 Aug 2002|05:27pm]

i dont like this journal.
i dont think im coming back at all.

i am at ujournal.

(its okay you can visit me)

[31 Jul 2002|02:29am]

1)lyndsey is one of the most fucking beautiful people in the world. i dont know what else to say. she's. wonderful. and i miss her.

2)i've moved to ujournal. temporarily. or. whatever.

the end.
go die.

(its okay you can visit me)

says he's a poet. lousy protozoan. and he kisses ass for free. [24 Jul 2002|06:27pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

migranes again.

im going "clubbing" with ashli and kelly.
they can socialize.
i plan on taking a very large stick and claiming i misunderstood what they meant when they explained the plans to me.

i hate being on the computer.
its a waste of time and energy and so boring.
so im going to stop until i get bored of myself.

my book will be finished tomorrow.
the next one will not suck.

(1 passport smile | its okay you can visit me)

maybe today, today we die. [22 Jul 2002|10:49am]

these evenings of enlightenment. since when do i need you?

just. when i think the inside happy is gone. and there is nothing but heavily condensed air. it rains. hard. and the lightening and the thunder connects me to..everything. and dancing in the rain at night. and then going inside and still having the water in my hair and on my skin. soaking it in. and. going into my room where everything disappears except shadows in the light from the street.

and moving. like i've never moved before.
motherfucking spectacular.

(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

open your veins so we can make a pool and bathe and see if anyone complains of the stain. [21 Jul 2002|03:46pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

it is difficult to find your specs after you have misplaced them if you have poor eyesight. (because you cannot see without them). yes.

i enjoy sleeping.

(6 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

think i'll leave it all behind, save this bleeding heart of mine. [20 Jul 2002|06:56pm]
[ mood | blah ]

im back from new york and atlantic city.
it sucked.
i made a friend.

i went to a show with michelle cos she didnt go to the converge one.
it was good. because. she put her bag on the stage while we were waiting. and then. it was just kind of. resting on the stage. and then the band was setting up. and the guy put his mic on her bag kind of. and he was. holding onto it while he was singing. and then michelle decided she wanted her bag. and pulled at it. and the mic flew out of his arms. and he lost his balance. and fell off the stage. and no one caught him. and he was hurt. and then i stepped on him.

things would be different if i were in charge.
i want the day to end.

(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

i wanna twist and twist and shout. [15 Jul 2002|10:12pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]


i've had close to no sleep in the past 2 weeks.
and then saturday korin and i pulled an all nighter. we were up till 5 fighting with andrew and making recordings. and then. we did other random stuff till she left at half past noon. last night i went to bed at like 2 and woke up at 5 cos im an idiot and i do stupid things like that.

today i learned about soca.
and since soca is basically fucking-with-your-clothes-on-dancing-music i learned about whining. which is basically grinding with more of a flow. its kind of icky. i that stuff. blah. its interesting to know about anyway. i can see nicole in a hip hop club. just. grinding away.
oh my god. *rubs eyes* i never want to think about that again.

deutschland (has gotta die!) is a fucking crazy song.

i dont know what i want.
this makes things difficult.

make your victim my head. [14 Jul 2002|03:19pm]
[ mood | angry ]

i am so fucking disgusted with the people i know.

i hope you're choking.

(1 passport smile | its okay you can visit me)

its not like i care (truly). [11 Jul 2002|06:24pm]

i cant believe how bored i am.
its not like how i was bored every single day when there was school cos that kind of bored didnt even completely suck. that was bored. oh well. this so bored i wish i could even sneeze right now so that i would have something to do for a second or two. yes. and. i've just written lines about. different kinds of boredom. *lame but it shows just how terribly bored i am*

today sucked completely. im so very sick of certain people. i've managed to kind of get some space from most people. but. gah. its really not enough. cos. some people go away. and you're all. thank goodness! people have gone away! but then. other people come along. and they're cool for a few days. and then. they're just not.
i met michelle though.
she's neat. and i like her. muchly.

korin is coming tomorrow. to spend the weekend. i like korin. she likes to terrorize people.
we'll um. go to the plaza.


im going to have to clean my room. i went to bed at 1am. and woke up at 1.15am cos a mosquito was sucking the blood out of my face. right on the side. by my eye. fucking asshole. so then. i got up and swung my pillow around for a good 5 minutes in the pitch darkness hoping i had gotten rid of it. but. whenever i put my head back down. it came near my face/head. and the buzzing creeped me out. and i kept thinking it was going to fly into my ear and then travel into my head. and i was sleepy. so i got up. and went to my mum's room. i think she was confused. but. oh well. sleep is good. i dont think im going to get any this weekend...aie.

now for a visual presentation.

the pregnancy.Collapse )

(1 passport smile | its okay you can visit me)

i could do a lot of things. and i do. [08 Jul 2002|11:32pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]


this really has no point to it whatsoever.Collapse )

um. i was just talking to lauren.
and we were talking about tool.


IM GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think im going to throw up.

(its okay you can visit me)

breathing underwater and living under glass [06 Jul 2002|10:27pm]
[ mood | i am regretting. ]

i had one of those. things today. that you dont forget ever.
something that haunts you for the rest of your life.

im not being melodramatic.

if maryam wasnt with me. i would have started to cry.

in related news. maryam is fun.
but she is not sexy.

(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

come to us armageddon. give us all what we deserve. [06 Jul 2002|01:36am]
[ mood | angry ]

that is fucking outrageous.
i hate fucking bullshit idiot motherfucking assholes.

fuck shit piss cunt. [im so intelligent.]


having a bad night.
sponge problems.

i luff ashli.

(21 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

what you tryin to do to me? [03 Jul 2002|10:16pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

the past few days have

i went shopping yesterday with deyan and milana and maryam...they're mean. cos. the twins make fun all the time. and deyan hates me now thanks to wardrobe and such. so. pssh. assholes. but he sucks cos he wouldnt wear the sexy clothes we put him in. i have to go back to the mall to exchange my shirts for smaller sizes cos they're...fucking huge. and i think im okay with the asspants now. i think i like them a lot. i bought things today. i bought fabric. i bought a lot of fabric. i bought pretty fabric. i was going to cut it when i got home but i want to clean my room instead and you people dont need to know that and all right.

the main reason im posting.
is cos.
said something very insightful today.
and i think everyone should hear/read/whatever what she had to say.
and also, dick, dont worry about me know...the...*s* word. im sure its just a phase. ( fucking carpet muncher.)
and the boy(s) [ha!] had very very very nice shoes.
and. my lowriders are also very nice. and i like them. and. if i dont wear them, how is jared supposed to access the goods?
see. im thinking ahead.

this is a direct quote from the nicole:



edit: what the FUCK is up with my little mood icon? why is he drooling? hahaha...what, cant he swallow?

(3 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

watching people live and die on screen. [13 Jun 2002|08:36pm]
[ mood | a bit sorrowful. ]

today i read. all day. well. i managed to almost finish a book between classes. i began to read at lunch in the library but was eventually found by milana. things were awkward between us before i think. things seemed ok with them today. i hope they are not angry with me. i love reading. i love reading good things. i stopped for a while. and have missed it.

healthwise, this week has been horrendous. i had screaming kicking fits on tuesday night carrying over till wednesday morning which consummated every 30 minutes or so and transformed into a very quiet sobbing which scared me very much. i had very little sleep but took comfort from my mother's hand resting on my back to make sure i was still breathing.

there is so much sunlight today. everywhere. its almost spilling into the house. overfilling through the cracks of the window coverings. i dont understand. this golden elixer is almost therapeutic most days.

kitty is having a party tomorrow.
i remember when parties used to be fun. i used to get excited.
im not going. i suppose i should call and tell her.
i would rather spend tomorrow evening at home i think. i would like to sit in quiet appreciation of some things.

i feel a little dispersed today.

(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

an introverted kinda soul the earth did open swallow hole [23 Apr 2002|10:37pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i am coughing.

i have not been talking to 3 people properly. and i am glad . because these people are not how people are supposed to be.

i just got home from playing with ashley. im tired. i took a shower. and need to work on my car for physics.

i went to the hospital. i had a time jump. i was in a dream. and then it was gone.
i started to cry and almost fell down.
i saw the psychiatrist. she doubled my dose.
oh well.

oh ... well.

daydream milk and genocide [20 Apr 2002|01:09am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

my cheeks aren't really rosy. i've smeared pink dust over my face.
you think im prettier this way.

i take pictures of things you don't see.

my skin is falling off.
i think im prettier this way. even if i am falling down the stairs.

such a pretty pretty pretty blue.

[i havent taken my meds for a week. instead i sat here shaking my head until it began to hurt. then i went to sleep. tomorrow im going to die. and then i'll wake up. and you'll be there. you dont go away. its ok. im happy to have the company.]

(2 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

twice as clear as heaven and twice as loud as reason [19 Apr 2002|08:26am]
[ mood | calm ]

i woke up at 5 this morning to the sound of the world ending.
the lights, the sound, the feeling.

it was beautiful.

(its okay you can visit me)

fool in the photograph [13 Apr 2002|01:01am]
[ mood | dirty ]

i will not. i will not let this go on.

(4 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

i cant help the feeling. i could blow through the ceiling if i just turn and run [02 Apr 2002|12:09am]
[ mood | tired ]

dear world,

you're killing me. just thought i'd let you know in case it wasnt intentional.


(2 passport smiles | its okay you can visit me)

[18 Mar 2002|07:10pm]
[ mood | cold ]

i think i tried to kill myself on friday.
it didnt work.


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